The Art of Believing
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Mulder and Scully find a new life after the loss of their son and the end of the X-Files. A prequel to Mulder's Game.
1. Chapter 1

Ch1- Worth It

Thanksgiving 2002

'Marry me.' The words hung heavier on his heart than they did on the tip of his otherwise, engaged tongue.

"Mulder." Scully moaned into his mouth. He didn't reply, deepening the kiss as her moaning increased, her breathing growing shallower by the moment. "M-Mulder!"

He'd thought it from the moment they'd scurried into the car and hit the open road: 'marry me.' It never left his mind, but he'd kept the thought to himself, unable to say it, not ready to let his guard down like that. She meant too much too him, too much to let the moment happen… he had to savor it, let it churn in his mind until it became more real than whatever her answer would be.

"Oh Spooky…"

But now, in a seedy motel, skin on skin between grimy sheets, the words clung to the edge of his breath, ready to make themselves known whether he was ready or not. But he held back, knowing better than to propose shacked up on the side of the road in a cockroach infested dump.

It'd been months since it'd happened. Their new, uncharted life had assembled with rapid speed. First, she'd given away their much loved baby boy against her will, then Mulder reemerged from hiding, was tried and soon wanted by the same organization they'd committed their lives to… and then, thanks in part to the Smoking Man, the two found themselves on the run but very much together.

"Happy Thanksgiving Mulder." She whispered softly, utter bliss on her face.

He took her in his arms; hugging her tight from behind once they grew tired. He lie there, quiet, her hands in his own; playing with her empty ring finger. She stopped him, clutching his hand in her own and squeezing it instead. He pulled away and rolled over on top of her, resting on his hands as he looked down at her for a moment, trying to take her all in: totally nude accept for the cross she never took off, deep blue eyes that showed no sign of all the pain he'd put her though.

'It's time to give her a real life.' He thought. "To make it right.'

But despite the well-intentioned thought, Thanksgiving would still be spent just as the last seven months had: on the road to nowhere, in a diner, in a shitty motel, in a lonely car without their baby son.

"I'm so thankful for you Mulder." She smiled, tears in her bright eyes as she took his unshaven face in her hands.

He closed his eyes. He didn't deserve that.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again." She continued, laughing through her tears.

She couldn't have lived with herself otherwise. Giving her son up to save him had been something she knew she'd never recover from, but loosing Mulder too would've sent her over the edge. And now that she was still there with him it opened up new possibility, the improbable hope for a new start.

"I thought I'd lost you forever Mulder… I can't loose you." She cried, wrapping her arms around him. "I can't…"

He stopped her, pressing his lips deeply into hers as he ran his fingers through her hair, wanting, needing to keep her quiet. He couldn't deal with the past tonight, needing desperately to think only of the future. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, doing everything she could to keep him as close as possible.

"I love you Scully. I don't deserve to have you thankful for me."

"Don't… please don't ever leave me again Mulder, plea-." She whispered, starting to cry as his lips and tongue met hers again.

…

At first light, the sun came barreling though the plastic blinds, waking the beleaguered couple who stirred groggily in reply, neither ready to face the day ahead. Dump or not, the motel room had been something of a safe haven for the two, one which neither one of them would ever forget. He kissed her neck, squeezing her tight as she yawned.

"Good morning." She whispered, kissing his chest.

It'd been a long and wild night. The two exhausted from making love into the wee hours of the morning. Sex had become their comfort in recent months their sanctuary, and the only thing that remained constant in their lives. Scully kept her eyes closed, running her hands along his chest, realizing that the two of them were making up for lost time in many ways, channeling years of emotion and sexual tension into the most passionate nights either had ever experienced. The previous night had been no exception, nor was it the rule. It'd been extraordinary.

Mulder rubbed his nose against Scully's, his eyes still closed, weary of the day ahead. It was the last thing he wanted to do to her, to make her once again leave their dumpy little refuge. But too long a time spent in any one place was a danger, and so the two were always on the move. In the summer it'd been easier, maybe even a little bohemian. But now that the holidays and the winter weather were upon them, it was more of a struggle and beyond that a more depressing business.

"I love you so much Scully."

The thought hit him again, pressing this time: 'Ask her.' It beaconed, but he could not bring himself to. 'Ask her you idiot.' He said to himself as she smiled back up at him. 'She's naked in your arms and she's in love with you... I can't.' He thought. 'Loose her by asking. I can't. What if she said no?'

Fox wondered in what universe she'd say no… her world had been merged with his so long before and she'd given up everything, every semblance of a normal life for the sake of his truth, to be with him. She'd borne his burdens and failed and borne his son and lost him…. And yet, she'd told him she'd do it all over again. In what universe would she say no? But months after his conviction; Fox Mulder still felt a failure and couldn't risk failing at the one thing that'd always really mattered to him more than anything else: Scully.

He kissed her forehead simply, tears flowing down his cheeks at the realization that all this time he'd been looking for the truth to complete him, but Scully had been his missing piece.

"Come on." He whispered. "It's time to go."

…..

A few hours later Mulder found himself, driving down the highway, already more than a hundred miles away from where they'd spent Thanksgiving night, alone and having a torrid sexual dalliance in a dump. Scully sighed, listening to the Christmas music that played on the radio. The thought of Christmas brought joy to her heart until she realized she had nowhere to celebrate it… and that she'd been with William last Christmas and had no clue where Mulder was.

"My baby." She whispered almost inaudibly, looking out at the falling slow.

"What?" He asked.

"Oh nothing. Nothing Mulder."

He sighed, the holiday music nagging him. _Christmas_. It was a family holiday; she should get to see her mother and her brother. They should get to be with their son… Mulder's heart ached over his lost son in a way he couldn't tell Scully. She'd blame herself when he was to blame. He'd been off truth seeking, and he needed instead, to have been protecting his son. Sure there'd been pressing matters, and dangers for him. But nothing, _nothing_ should've meant more than his son. _He_ needed to have been there to defend the baby; to preempt the attacks against him… that was what a father was for. Mulder put the thought out of his mind, feeling tears sting his eyes. He couldn't let Scully see him cry over their son, even though inside he never really stopped.

'What good am I?' He asked himself. 'What kind of a _man_ am I if I can't defend my own son and his mother?' His inner voice aggressively charged.

Back when they met, even when he first admitted to himself that he was in love, he never imagined they'd have a son… _our son_ , the power of the statement and everything it brought to mind rang in his heart, reminding him that because of the baby, the two of them were infinitely bound to each other, and would always be together in him. In an instant, it made Mulder realize he was falling deeper in love with her that the perimeters of his affections seemed to have no bounds. His heart sunk when Scully smiled up at him; having no idea what he was thinking. It hurt so much to think about: his little son was someone else's little boy that Christmas.

'Yet another reason.' He thought. 'Why you shouldn't ask her: you're not good enough. You're just not good enough.'

Mulder stared down into Scully's eyes, knowing he'd let her down. He could've cried at the thought, knowing that in reality was damn well good enough; fate had just not dealt him or his son the best hand.

'Son. My son.' He thought. There were questions about the miracle child: who he was, how he came to be…. But Mulder knew without a doubt that William was his flesh and blood. He could see it and feel it in the baby in a way he never had with anyone in his life, well… not since Samantha. 'My flesh and blood.' He cried. 'God.' His mind wandered. 'I-if there is a God… what I wouldn't do to do this dad thing over again….'

Mulder drove on, defeated by the belief that he could've saved his son.

"We have to make him proud." Scully paused, biting her lip.

Mulder was surprised and stared back at her with wide eyes.

"Who…"

"William. We'll hold it together; and find him one day, and make him so proud."

Fox gulped at the idea, thinking their son would hate them by the time they ever found him, that he wouldn't understand, or worse that he would; and that he'd take up his own crusade just as his father before him had.

"I really am thankful you know." She whispered as he drove, the snow gently blanketing the desolate road before them. "That you're here with me, that we get to be together."

"I'm not enough."

"But you're more than enough Mulder… you make it okay… you make it worth staying alive."

Mulder's heart sank, feeling pathetic that _he_ was what she felt the need to live for. "Oh Scully. I'm not worth it."

…

9 Hours Later and 3 States Away

Mulder couldn't hide his surprise, but gave in to her touch when Scully pushed him against the motel room door, tilting her head as she slid her tongue over his and her hands up under his shirt. Mulder helped to take it off and was even more surprised when she grabbed his neck, leading him to the bed and pushing him down.

"Scull…" She stopped him, straddling him and beginning to kiss him before he had a chance to finish speaking.

Leaning down she whispered seductively in his ear: "You always wanted to believe."

The words ached, he no longer knew what he believed, and sometimes, he wondered if he should've ever been a believer at all. He wanted to throw her off in that moment, just like the yoke of belief, but the power her body had over his mind in that moment was overwhelming, almost superhuman, and he found himself drawn in, unable to resist the heightened sexual chemistry the two had unlocked.

She giggled sitting up as he grabbed her hips. Slowly and seductively as she could, she wiggled out of her tee shirt and flung it to the floor, his eyes still wide. He found himself paused, his mouth agape, his hands on her sides. She leaned down again, this time kissing him more forcefully just as she had at the door.

"So Mulder, believe in me."

"Oh Scully I do. I do but you never should've believed in me." He said, overpowering her and rolling over on top of her.

She grabbed his head, almost pulling at his hair as he brought her down to kiss her. "I would've been lost without you." She looked up into has eyes.

"You would've been safe without me: home now somewhere with some guy and your mom, and five little uber Scullys." He said, tears in his eyes as he leaned over her.

Scully paused, tears in her eyes. She knew that was the truth but didn't care, not matter how much she wanted kids and a normal life. She was in love with Mulder and wouldn't take the last decade back for anything. She started kissing his chest, running her lips along his shoulder and up to his neck.

"You taught me the art of belief Fox Mulder. I believe in you." She whispered, running her fingers through his hair, tears pouring down his cheeks.

She understood his feelings of failure, his disappointment, his doubt but for all these months it'd remained unspoken. Now, at Thanksgiving, Mulder found himself but haunted by what he'd lost, and terrified of loosing everything he had left.

She started to cry, hurt by the things he'd been saying about himself. "Because I love you Mulder! I love you and I couldn't be more grateful, or happier about anything ever than being with you! I'd follow you to the ends of the earth and for the rest of my days!"

"Oh Scully…"

"Please." She cried. "Stop saying these things about yourself! Nothing in the world could be as good for me as you, nothing!"

"Scully…"

"What!" She was crying now.

Mulder paused. 'Marry me.' His mind insisted. Instead, he just rolled over on top of her again, aggressively starting to kiss her as an electrical storm moved in outside.


	2. This Baby Is Me, Part I

Ch 2- This Baby Is Me, Part I

Eight Weeks Later

"Mulder." Scully bit her lip, trying to hold back from throwing up.

She closed her eyes, clutching the door as he continued to speed through the freshly fallen pack of snow, his driving making her feel increasingly nauseous by the minute.

"Hmm?" He asked casually.

"Stop the car." She urged.

"Why?" He didn't notice her discomfort.

Driving had become instinctual for Mulder. It was an activity almost second nature to him after so many months spent on the road. Scully wasn't even sure where they were now. Despite skepticism of his mental state, she trusted him enough for the world and when she'd grown weary of wandering, had stopped paying attention to where he took them. She trusted that somehow they'd get where they were supposed to be. Scully only knew now, that they were traveling like aimless nomads, that it was cold enough wherever they were to make a DC winter seem tranquil, and finally that she was sick.

"Just pull over." She pressed, knowing he'd be shocked. "I can't say it when you're driving." She swallowed hard, willing herself not to throw up.

She'd been hiding it for several days and didn't know how she'd admit it now. She only knew that it was time. She wondered if now, along a winding, snowy road was really the best place to say it but she couldn't deny her physical needs any longer. Perhaps, if she said it now, he'd find a motel and not insist that they spend another night freezing under a thin comforter in the back of the car. Scully swallowed tears he didn't notice, seeing six months ahead and knowing that she'd probably give birth in that car.

"Scully nothing you say is going to shock me that much." He laughed. "Just go on it's okay."

Mulder's mind was a million miles from hers. He had made his escape, having spent years trying to uncover a conspiracy that had almost taken his life many times and hers too. Now he was on the run, and in his mind, far from danger: so close to freedom he could nearly taste it. Like everything else he'd done over the past decade he pursued that freedom, blinding himself to everything else going on around him. It should've been no surprise that he ignored his obvious peril, that danger and even capture remained biting at his heals. He didn't see that he was still going to insane depths to hide in the guise of wanderlust. And most of all, he ignored the obvious changes in Scully and shut out her pleas.

"Alright." She hesitated, swallowing the bile in her throat, trying to force it back down. She shut her eyes again, just seeing them go over the side of the road when she said it. "Mulder, when we get to the next town I think we need to stop and buy a pregnancy test."

Mulder's eyes widened and he panicked, placing both feet on the break and pressing hard, causing the car to swerve in the snow before coming to a screeching and abrupt stop.

"WHAT?!" He cried, his eyes flashing. This couldn't be.

Scully gathered herself, her heart pounding fast now. "Mulder I think I might be pregnant." She said calmly.

"E- are you serious?" He asked and she nodded quickly, not seeing the smile spread across his face. "Wow." He whispered, looking out into the falling snow.

"I didn't think it was possible." She said quickly, not knowing what his reaction would be.

She was more like him than she knew, and ignored his reaction just as he'd been ignoring hers. Scully assumed he'd have an explanation for her newfound condition: a crazy one. She had been keeping her suspicions a secret, mostly because she feared his reaction. She knew that in his mind, the child would have to be alien and part of a conspiracy against the human race. It couldn't possibly be a natural occurrence, something indicative of their newfound commitment to each other. Scully didn't think she could take that from him a second time, and worse, she feared that he would be right. What if what she carried inside wasn't human? Scully was scared to death and remained focused on all of this, totally missing that he was awed.

"You really think?'

"If I am it's almost three months."

"This is it Scully." He brightened, turning to her. "This is our new life, we're going to have a baby!"

…

Scully was in a daze. They already had a baby, a wonderful little son who was all alone and out there somewhere untouchable to them now, like the truth they'd long searched for. She'd managed to function all this time, to move on, even… but Scully couldn't say how much she wanted him back, especially in light of this new possibility that she might be having a second child. She and Mulder drifted into a small town about an hour later. Having obtained three pregnancy tests (for the sake of accuracy) they made their way into a very small but very crowded diner where they thought they might be able to sneak into one of the bathrooms together.

"Yap a great big one." The cook, an older woman in a waitess' uniform said as they passed the counter.

"I don't believe in that stuff." A man at the counter spat. He was about her age and likely a construction worker. He held his coffee in hand, quickly dismissing her thoughts.

"I swear I saw it, it was the biggest UFO I ever did see! A big saucer I tell ya."

"UFO?" Mulder brightened, her words catching his ears.

He was about to abandon Scully and start questioning the woman when she grabbed his hand, covering her mouth with the other. He followed quickly, getting the hint. Scully was gagging by the time they got into the bathroom and found herself unable to keep from throwing up. She cried when she finished and was surprised when he held out his arms for her and begin to help clean off her face.

"I'm sorry." He told her. "You okay?"

Scully nodded, trying to steady herself. "Yeah. Oh God how could this have happened again?"

Mulder's heart sunk; worried she wasn't happy about the possibility of another baby. He could understand her sadness. He longed for their son too, but he couldn't comprehend why she wouldn't want to have another chance at a family, especially when she'd wanted one so much. He was secretly over the moon and desperate for the chance to be a father.

"So, you don't think there's much of a chance on that UFO?" He asked, looking himself over in the mirror when she went to take the tests.

"Shut up Mulder."

….

Scully paced, nervous as the timer ticked away. Her heart raced so fast she was almost seeing double. She couldn't reconcile the idea of being pregnant. On one hand, it made her sick. She'd been forced to give up her lovely William, the love of her life, and prior to that; her mysterious daughter created and stolen by equally mysterious forces. It was obvious to her that no child of her body was or ever would be safe. This baby, if there were to be one, would be no different than its siblings. Subjected to a life of pain, possible disease… Separation from family that Scully, as a mother, couldn't handle one more time. She gulped audibly, trying to keep from throwing up, and from crying.

"Scully." Mulder stopped her pacing, grabbing both arms he steadied her.

She clung tightly to him, burying her face in his shoulder as she allowed him to pull her into a hug.

"I'm so scared." She admitted softly, as if she were barely breathing. He held her tight, kissing the dome of her head lightly.

"Whatever it is, or isn't, you and I are in it together and I'll be there every step of the way, and always."

She looked up, searching his eyes. Suddenly, the timer went off. She took a deep breath, squeezing his hands.

"Should I look, or should you?" He asked, uneasily.

"I'll do it." She whispered, squeezing his hand.

Scully swallowed hard, almost feeling disoriented as she left his side, making her way to the sink where she'd gingerly placed the tests. It was just feet, but she felt as if she were walking a world away from him and did not have the strength for it. As if reading her mind, Mulder followed, grabbing her shaky hand again as she closed her eyes, still not ready to see her fate. Mulder buried his face in her hair, kissing her neck as she squeezed his hand again, clinging to him.

"I'm here. I'll always be here." He whispered, his breath tickling her ear. He placed his forehead against her shoulder, not wanting to see this for himself. He wanted her to tell him.

Scully paused a beat, centering herself, as she opened her eyes. "Mulder." She laughed, trying not to gag again.

"Yeah…?"

There they were, three tests side by side, their symbols reading much like matching jackpot signs: positive, positive, positive… In any other world, Scully would've felt she hit the jackpot. Her heart began to beat erratically as fear attempted to take over, trying to eclipse any joy she might have had, but something inside pushed her true feelings through.

"Mulder …. I… We're having a baby!" She bit her lip, trying not to burst out laughing or crying. She felt the need to do both.

"We're… for real? Scully! That's incredible!"

Scully gasped when he flipped her around, kissing her deeply and nearly sweeping her off her feet.

…

It was with one stroke of a pen that miracle faded into misery. It was frigid out and Scully wrapped her arm tightly around herself, tears streaming down her cheeks as she stepped out of the diner. I was a miracle long sought after, one there'd been no real hope for until now. Suclly wanted it, craved it with all her heart, but ofund herself an unwitting recipient ater all she'd endure in the past year. She couldn't do it all again. Her gut reaction upon finding out the news had been joy, followed by a fight or flight impulse that urged her to distance herself at all costs, to push the miracle away. She looked up when she heard the jingling of the bells on the diner's door to find Mulder walking out into the snow covered parking lot.

"Don't cry." He soothed, handing her one of the milkshakes he'd ordered, the one she'd been craving minutes before.

She sniffled, laughing through her tears. "I have to cry. What if it's…"

"It's not like that. It's happy news, happy news to accompany a new life." He tried to persuade.

"I can't go through with it again. I can't…" She started to sob, he sighed and took her in his arms. "I miss my baby."

She hated his suggestion of 'a new life.' In a way, she wanted one, but it felt meaningless without her son. In her eyes, it'd be a lie.

"I miss him too."

Mulder understood that she was overwhelmed, afraid and ridden with guilt over the son they'd just given up. He was too, maybe even more so than her in some way. He hadn't been there. Perhaps things would've been different if he'd just been there. And although he didn't admit it, part of him was heartsick by the news. He didn't know how he was supposed to protect his child, even though he pretended to: he was scared.

"I know it isn't fair." Fair wasn't the word. It was ironic, tragic even. "We gave him up so he could have a better life, Scully."

"But we're his parents. _We_ were supposed to protect him! There could've been no better place for him!"

"It was the best thing you could've done for him. You did it because your'e a great mom who was thinking of his life and his needs. You gave him that good start, in spite of the enormous odds. We may miss him but he's happy and free."

Mulder had wanted to be happy and free since he was twelve years old. Somehow, bestowing that gift on his son had been more valuable to him than everyday he could've ever spent with the boy. He would not tell Scully back.

"He's got his fresh start." He continued. "You deserve to have one too, don't ever forget that. You have no reason to feel guilty."

She laughed through her tears, unconvinced. "A mother's love transcends everything Mulder. Fear, danger, death…"

"A father's goes pretty far too." Her statement ofened him slightly.

"I never… I feel like I'm replacing him." She said quietly.

"this is a tremendous gift, not a replacement."

Dana put her head down, feeling the bile rise in her throat.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." He said finally, noting the fresh tears in her eyes. He'd wondered if she'd blamed him for his absence and now he felt he had an answer.

"We have nothing." She said rankly. "No jobs, no home for a baby."

Scully imagined herself giving birth on the side of the road, taking the baby somewhere uncertain once it was born, running from danger: just as she had with William. She didn't want that. She found herself longing for something safe, something more normal than she and Mulder had ever had together. She didn't know if they could have that, if he could maintain normal. He paused, his breath catching in his throat at the sound of her words. In an instant he was afraid, wondering what she was insinuating.

"No we don't." He acknowledged, swallowing hard, hoping she wasn't suggesting adoption or that other 'a' word. Mulder's heart sunk, realizing she hadn't taken note of how pleased he was. The news that he ws going to be a father again made him feel happy, and somehow free.

"Wherever we go Scully, from Quantico to the open road, we're his parents and a home for him. William too."

Dana squeezed his hand, shedding more tears at the mention of William.

"They're both special. And William will always be our son, our firstborn, no matter where he is or how far away, or who comes into our lives. He paused, drying her tears with this thumbs.

He knew she couldn't stand it. He'd been worried for his girlfriend's emotional state all this time and despite his joy was uncertain of his own, but he knew they had to press forward and focus on the hope they had for the future, just as he'd always known that the truth lie in the X-Files.

…

Scully paused a moment. "She can't know." She whispered, issuing her terms. "Never. Please, never, never."

Mulder held Scully tight to his chest as they lay in the back of the car, looking up at cold, black sky. It stretched out as far as the eye could see, like an endless void, reminding Scully that there was a whole universe vying for the lives of her babies, and that the number of things that could go wrong were infinite… like the stars.

"But what if is all we've known. What's different about this one, huh?" She urged, knowing in her gut that there was a catch.

"What's different? Are you kidding?" He laughed. "We're free of the FBI, thrown off the X-Files… shacking up in a car!"

"It doesn't mean he's any different than his big brother." She argued.

Mulder said nothing for a beat.

"Well does it?!" She asked, trying to force him to back up his case.

He sighed, the painful comparison too much for him to bare. "Oh but Scully it does, don't you see?"

"See what ….?"

"That William is Samantha, and this baby is me."


End file.
